Quitting Smoking - Day Two

Image via WikipediaDay Two

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I was stuck in that half awake/half asleep time where your dreams happen, but you are still awake and aware of what goes on around you. And when it that phase I always have the most vivid dreams, though they aren't what you would call normal. Its hard to describe, I suppose the easiest way would be how meditations often happen...only you have no control over anything, and its like your dream has overlaid your reality. Perhaps lucid dreaming? Although that implies that you have some control over it.

I have failed to remain smoke free. This is far harder then it would appear at the surface. One of my biggest downfalls is my violent side, usually it is tucked away nicely, but when I attempt to quit smoking, it kicks in to where I actually fear for the safety of those around me. Including my own child. I think it gets amplified by the lack of nicotine and the normal side effects of quitting. Then it gets to the point where I am barely controlling it and that's when I cave to the nicodemon. Smoking seems like a small price to pay for not killing someone dear to you.

I was foggy for most of the day, as the physical symptoms were kicking in. As usual, my gut goes into hyperdrive and I start getting sick to my stomach. I sometimes wonder if that isn't my intuition, as it is the same feeling I get when I make a bad decision, or when I am about to do something that can harm me.

Perhaps I haven't laid the groundwork well enough to quit yet. I am exceedingly restless tonight, and its driving me batty. I cannot concentrate on any one thing, because whatever it is I am concentrating on isn't the thing I need...but I am unsure what I should be doing. I haven't been working on myself as much, more treating symptoms, and there is an obvious dissatisfaction with my life. Besides the inherent dissatisfaction from smoking. There are far deeper issues at hand here, but I am stuck in a cycle of shallowness, and unsure on where to begin.

The last time I quit for any length of time, I was confident in who I was and where I was going. Not bad for an 18 year old. And I successfully quit for 6 months, with no cravings, not even a thought in my head about going back. Perhaps I should endeavor to seek out why I went back to begin with, because based on the immediate thoughts in my head, I see a pattern here. Perhaps it is time to take up my journal again, and dig deeper beyond the obvious.

Seeking to remain smoke free...