How I Got Lost - And Lost Myself In The Process

I mentioned in my earlier post New Revelations some of how I got off track, but I feel it necessary to continue down that path.

As I stated in that post, my first defining moment came when I got married to my ex. The poor man. Since I only gave a broad overview, let's get down into the nitty gritty shall we? For one thing, I was very much pregnant with his child, scared out of my mind, and 1200 dollars a month sounded really good. This was extra money mind you, above and beyond his pay. I was also 19 years old and fresh out of the military. I got out due to the child in my stomach...being a girl is GOOD sometimes.

The man had been asking me to marry him since week 2 of us seeing each other, and I finally consented. I was pregnant by then. Long story there. I wanted a long engagement, seeing as how he hadn't met my parents yet, I hadn't met his, and he was due to ship out for 6 months to go to training...quite a long time period for the newly wed. So I figured that we would have a good period of time to prepare, and also to ensure that this was really what we wanted. I was one of those "married for life" people. Still am actually. I don't make my commitments lightly.

I already kind of knew that I didn't love him, but he adored me, was a great guy, and heck, I was carrying his child...and I'm definitely not the sort to separate a father and his child without great cause. I was kind of counting on that way out after 6 months I think. But the best laid plans of mice and men...we ended up doing a pro/con list the night before we were wed, and on paper it seemed like a good idea. Logically, I knew I could do a lot worse. But something inside me screamed that this was a mistake, and I ignored it, figuring it was jitters.

I continued to ignore it, even when my fight or flight response kicked in while we were saying our vows. It took all I had to remain standing there, I wanted to run so bad. My gut was screaming at me, it even took over some bodily functions, yet I stayed. I got through it, made it through the chatting and family time (it was a JP wedding), but barely. I no longer felt whole at the point where I said I do, so the rest of the night was a murky haze. I was literally screaming inside at a few levels, but I kept my smile firmly attached to my face. I got married, isn't that great? I held it together until it came time for bed...and that's when I broke. Every sensation came rushing to me, and I knew that I had separated myself. I was literally split in two, one part of me was there crying on the bed, the other had gone in the other direction.

It was the single most painful thing in my life. To have one's soul torn apart is not something I hope anyone else ever feels. Try explaining what's going on to a man who is wondering why his new wife is crying uncontrollably on the bed. I finally just chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and decided to make the best of it. But I knew I was living a lie. And not only that, but a half life, as that piece of my soul was gone to who only knows where. We eventually split, for many reasons, and we both refer to that time as our "dark period."

My second shift was when I met the man I can only refer to as my mate...I can think of no better term for him. While not as painful as the first, it definitely shook what soul I had left at this point. Soul shattering perhaps is a better way to describe it. It was (and still is) a very unique experience.

After these two things, and several minor day to day dramas, I had had just about enough with it all. I retreated into myself to protect what was left of me, and my soul...my entire essence if you will. It also was a protection feature for my darling mate...my essence is often hard to handle, as experience has taught me. So normal became my goal, my way of life. I retreated further and further into myself, closing myself off from the world, limiting my very nature in order to protect what was left. Life had no meaning for me anymore, save how I was going to survive from day to day. I was not depressed as such, although to an external source it might seem that way, but I wasn't letting anything effect me again.

The downside to locking down the fortress was I cut off that which was most important to me, and locked away my very nature. I don't know about you, but I found that to be almost worse then death. I denied my nature, which made me angry, violent, morose...all in all rather uncharacteristic. The longer I did this, the worse it got. Eventually I had done it so long that I rather forgot much of what my true nature even was...I'm still seeking that out today. Finding myself again is my most important job right now...without me, there is nothing else.