The Insanity Of Society

Most humans today are certifiably insane. Yes, I said it. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. In fact, society’s definition of sanity is actually insanity. Society tells us to get a job, make money, buy the house, the car, eat this, do that…while we sit back and wonder why we aren’t happy. So we do more of what society tells us, expecting that it will make us happy. And it hardly ever does.

So what do we do? We watch mindless tv to reassure ourselves that we are just like everyone else, that we are normal, that we are doing as expected. We accept mindless drivel as truth, without ever questioning that maybe its wrong. Doesn’t that sound insane? Is that really all there is to life; getting a job, getting married, having the required 2.5 kids, retire, die? Sounds like a hamster wheel to me.

Think I’m wrong about the mindless drivel? Take a look at the email scams that go around all the time. If you believed all of them, you can’t live. You can’t eat anything, breath the air, wash your body or live in your home. But people believe them as truth all the time, until some scientist says on national tv that there isn’t a scrap of truth to it. And then they believe the scientist blindly. Until the next scientist says differently then the first, then beliefs change in the blink of an eye. Isn’t that insane?

We drug ourselves to hide anything that might be considered abnormal, that doesn’t fit with the social norm. Then we hide the fact that we are taking drugs to correct an imbalance that society told you that you have. Hmm. What result are you expecting? Society is telling you that you have to take drugs to be normal, then telling you that taking those drugs is abnormal, so to be normal you have to not admit that you are taking them.

Doesn’t it make more sense to do what feels right for you? Regardless of what other people think. You are the only one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every day, the only one living in your mind and body, so why is it so important what everyone else thinks? Try being “certifiable” for just one day, it can be a lot of fun.

How I Got Lost - And Lost Myself In The Process

I mentioned in my earlier post New Revelations some of how I got off track, but I feel it necessary to continue down that path.

As I stated in that post, my first defining moment came when I got married to my ex. The poor man. Since I only gave a broad overview, let's get down into the nitty gritty shall we? For one thing, I was very much pregnant with his child, scared out of my mind, and 1200 dollars a month sounded really good. This was extra money mind you, above and beyond his pay. I was also 19 years old and fresh out of the military. I got out due to the child in my stomach...being a girl is GOOD sometimes.

The man had been asking me to marry him since week 2 of us seeing each other, and I finally consented. I was pregnant by then. Long story there. I wanted a long engagement, seeing as how he hadn't met my parents yet, I hadn't met his, and he was due to ship out for 6 months to go to training...quite a long time period for the newly wed. So I figured that we would have a good period of time to prepare, and also to ensure that this was really what we wanted. I was one of those "married for life" people. Still am actually. I don't make my commitments lightly.

I already kind of knew that I didn't love him, but he adored me, was a great guy, and heck, I was carrying his child...and I'm definitely not the sort to separate a father and his child without great cause. I was kind of counting on that way out after 6 months I think. But the best laid plans of mice and men...we ended up doing a pro/con list the night before we were wed, and on paper it seemed like a good idea. Logically, I knew I could do a lot worse. But something inside me screamed that this was a mistake, and I ignored it, figuring it was jitters.

I continued to ignore it, even when my fight or flight response kicked in while we were saying our vows. It took all I had to remain standing there, I wanted to run so bad. My gut was screaming at me, it even took over some bodily functions, yet I stayed. I got through it, made it through the chatting and family time (it was a JP wedding), but barely. I no longer felt whole at the point where I said I do, so the rest of the night was a murky haze. I was literally screaming inside at a few levels, but I kept my smile firmly attached to my face. I got married, isn't that great? I held it together until it came time for bed...and that's when I broke. Every sensation came rushing to me, and I knew that I had separated myself. I was literally split in two, one part of me was there crying on the bed, the other had gone in the other direction.

It was the single most painful thing in my life. To have one's soul torn apart is not something I hope anyone else ever feels. Try explaining what's going on to a man who is wondering why his new wife is crying uncontrollably on the bed. I finally just chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and decided to make the best of it. But I knew I was living a lie. And not only that, but a half life, as that piece of my soul was gone to who only knows where. We eventually split, for many reasons, and we both refer to that time as our "dark period."

My second shift was when I met the man I can only refer to as my mate...I can think of no better term for him. While not as painful as the first, it definitely shook what soul I had left at this point. Soul shattering perhaps is a better way to describe it. It was (and still is) a very unique experience.

After these two things, and several minor day to day dramas, I had had just about enough with it all. I retreated into myself to protect what was left of me, and my soul...my entire essence if you will. It also was a protection feature for my darling mate...my essence is often hard to handle, as experience has taught me. So normal became my goal, my way of life. I retreated further and further into myself, closing myself off from the world, limiting my very nature in order to protect what was left. Life had no meaning for me anymore, save how I was going to survive from day to day. I was not depressed as such, although to an external source it might seem that way, but I wasn't letting anything effect me again.

The downside to locking down the fortress was I cut off that which was most important to me, and locked away my very nature. I don't know about you, but I found that to be almost worse then death. I denied my nature, which made me angry, violent, morose...all in all rather uncharacteristic. The longer I did this, the worse it got. Eventually I had done it so long that I rather forgot much of what my true nature even was...I'm still seeking that out today. Finding myself again is my most important job right now...without me, there is nothing else.

A Glimpse Into My New Direction

To get a glimpse of my "new" direction, take a peek at this article I wrote for Associated Content. Feel free to leave any feedback, either here or on the article itself. I'm taking baby steps to live more congruently with my purpose and life path, instead of just floating along in life. But I'm still refining, tweaking and playing. :)

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1194507/what_is_holding_you_back.html?cat=7

New Revelations

Boy, have I been lost in my head. I've been doing a lot of thinking, planning, and thinking some more. There has been a lot going on upstairs to say the least. I'm not sure what turns my life will be taking right now, but I'm sure it will be much improved from where I have been.

One thing I've figured out is my life purpose. Well, I should state rediscover, as I knew it before, although not in so many words. When I was a teenager, I lived my life based upon my purpose, although I didn't quite know it at the time. Then over the years I lost it. I wasn't quite out of my teen years when I experienced my first (and worst) life shattering experience. I got married. Shouldn't be such a big deal, people do it every day, whether they should or shouldn't. But the night I bound myself to my ex, I cried uncontrollably for hours. I literally felt like I had split in two. One of those moments where you realize that listening to your intuition was non negotiable. I wasn't quite sure what to do, and its carried over the past five years...it just left me lost.

But now I'm getting back to being who I am, and who I was meant to be. My life purpose is much bigger then I am, but I'm willing to tackle it. I think part of the problem is being unable to fully put into words the entire thing. The basic is to heal, but what that actually means is huge...it doesn't mean go to med school and be happy. Its more of a holistic approach, the mind/body/spirit thing...but even that limits it. So I've basically said screw defining it, and just roll with it. Why limit what you can do?

So things might get a bit strange here and there, but that's okay...no one has ever accused me of being normal. Although I will admit, for the longest time that was my greatest wish...recently though, I think I must have been hit on the head too hard at some point. Normal sucks.

30 Day Challenge Temporarily Paused

I am pausing the 30 day challenge as of today. I'm not giving up, merely reaccessing what I must do. The past few days I have been in a contemplative mood, and have discovered a few things about myself that I either didn't know to begin with or had forgotten about. Its lead me to really think about what I desire and where I want to go, so I am taking some time to plan better.

It has come to my attention that I don't plan well enough. I always thought it was my follow through that was lacking, but it would seem that is not the case. I get these half-formed ideas, and I instantly go to implement them, instead of allowing them to simmer and really get an idea of what I want to do with the idea. If I want to do anything at all.

I have left a lot of unfinished projects behind me. And much of that is due to going off half-cocked at the first spark of an idea, before I even know if its something I want to do. It sounded good at the time, you know? Granted that makes me a far more spontaneous person, but it leaves a pervasive air of failure as well.

So I am taking a step back and really thinking about what I want to do, and how to get there. I feel led to do more then just babble nonsense at people, and I am finally seeing a depth I had been missing for years. In this time I will not be implementing too many changes, I want to go with the flow, but in a more sedate manner. More then likely the only blogs I will be updating regularly will be this one and my cleaning blog, as I decide what exactly it is I want to do with the rest. Basically I will be living with much more conscious thought, and moving with a purpose. I knew the Army was good for something.

Quitting Smoking - Day Two

Image via WikipediaDay Two

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I was stuck in that half awake/half asleep time where your dreams happen, but you are still awake and aware of what goes on around you. And when it that phase I always have the most vivid dreams, though they aren't what you would call normal. Its hard to describe, I suppose the easiest way would be how meditations often happen...only you have no control over anything, and its like your dream has overlaid your reality. Perhaps lucid dreaming? Although that implies that you have some control over it.

I have failed to remain smoke free. This is far harder then it would appear at the surface. One of my biggest downfalls is my violent side, usually it is tucked away nicely, but when I attempt to quit smoking, it kicks in to where I actually fear for the safety of those around me. Including my own child. I think it gets amplified by the lack of nicotine and the normal side effects of quitting. Then it gets to the point where I am barely controlling it and that's when I cave to the nicodemon. Smoking seems like a small price to pay for not killing someone dear to you.

I was foggy for most of the day, as the physical symptoms were kicking in. As usual, my gut goes into hyperdrive and I start getting sick to my stomach. I sometimes wonder if that isn't my intuition, as it is the same feeling I get when I make a bad decision, or when I am about to do something that can harm me.

Perhaps I haven't laid the groundwork well enough to quit yet. I am exceedingly restless tonight, and its driving me batty. I cannot concentrate on any one thing, because whatever it is I am concentrating on isn't the thing I need...but I am unsure what I should be doing. I haven't been working on myself as much, more treating symptoms, and there is an obvious dissatisfaction with my life. Besides the inherent dissatisfaction from smoking. There are far deeper issues at hand here, but I am stuck in a cycle of shallowness, and unsure on where to begin.

The last time I quit for any length of time, I was confident in who I was and where I was going. Not bad for an 18 year old. And I successfully quit for 6 months, with no cravings, not even a thought in my head about going back. Perhaps I should endeavor to seek out why I went back to begin with, because based on the immediate thoughts in my head, I see a pattern here. Perhaps it is time to take up my journal again, and dig deeper beyond the obvious.

Seeking to remain smoke free...

Quitting Smoking - Day One

Image by Trinitas Imaging / Udit Kulshrestha via FlickrDay One -

I started at the stroke of midnight last night, and I started leaning over a toilet. I had chain smoked three cigarettes in a half an hour. My body can't handle that much nicotine.

I got through most of the day just fine, although I wee bit distracted. I only had the odd sensation that I wanted a cigarette, usually when my emotions would peak due to external stimulus. I felt more clearheaded all day, although I did start getting tired around 5pm. I've also gone through some periods of irritation and anger.

Right now my body has hit craving zone, I REALLY want a cigarette. And no matter what I seem to to, my body won't let go of the craving. I keep having little thoughts like "you don't really want to quit" and "we can get some tomorrow". My brain is trying to convince me to smoke again...but the sad part is, it tends to be effective.

I have a really hard time shutting my brain off, the mental part is the hardest part for me. Its far less the physical craving vs the mental craving. I need to figure out why my brain desires it so badly, and find ways of distracting it, otherwise I am not going to make it 30 days. Any tips out there?