Quitting Smoking

Image via WikipediaIn honor of Halloween, which for me is also the natural new year, I have decided to do a 30 day trial of quitting smoking.

Quitting Smoking

I have been struggling with quitting smoking for months now. Its something I really want to do, but its much harder then it would appear at first glance. Nicotine is an assiduous little beast, worming its way into your thoughts, dreams, and even your very body functions. According to many websites out there, quitting smoking is akin to detoxing of heroine. It truly is a nasty drug.

Yet, even with knowing all that I know, I still find it hard. Part of the problem is it has become so ingrained into my daily life that I am unsure of what to do when it is no longer there. Then there are some immediate physical symptoms as well.

Why 30 Days?

For one thing, it takes about 28 days to form a habit. For another, 30 days is not permanent. If I find that quitting smoking is not for me, I am free to go back to it. I really want to see if it makes any significant changes in my day to day life. I need to know for sure that this is the right path for me, even though in my head and in my dreams I am always a nonsmoker.

So November 1st is set as the beginning of my 30 day trial. I am committing myself to go 30 days smoke free. I will be blogging a daily recap for accountability. I plan to measure any weight gain/loss, appetite differences, energy levels, mental clarity and any fears I encounter. Tomorrow will be spent reading up on various methods of quitting, as well as writing out a basic plan for how I will avoid the common pitfalls. In between all the festivities, of course.

An Intriguing Conversation About Christianity, Lucifer and Creation

Sometimes you're the teacher, sometimes you're the student.

I had a very interesting conversation last night with my friend Draco. Not that all of our conversations aren't interesting, but you can only take programming talk so far. Kidding, we actually discuss a wide array of topics, with religion and the secrets of life being the most prevalent. Well, besides programming of course!

Draco and I have a very interesting dynamic. He is the Dragon, I am the Tiger, and like all the myths and legends state, we are at a constant stalemate. We both share a love of knowledge...okay, more like an addiction...and we share that knowledge, to some extent. Our dynamic is basically the love of friends with the awareness of mortal enemies. Interesting, no?

As I stated above, religion is a heavy topic for us. He grew up in churches, studying the bible, family is heavily into the clerical side...while I was raised a loose Christian, and broke away from that path many years ago. Though I must say I never truly followed it, my poor Mother. We enjoy the give and take of sharing thoughts and opinions about that sect, and digging deeper into it.

My opinion on the bible is that its one really good story book, and nothing more then a history book. But I will agree with Christianity here for a moment and say it was probably heavily influenced by a deity. That doesn't mean I think the book is divine, merely that I'm sure divinity had some say on it, just like other numerous texts. But its more historical and scientific in nature then divine. I'll put more of my thoughts on that in another blog post, simply because I can wax poetic on it and become extremely verbose.

We got onto Lucifer, Lilith, Adam, Eve, the creation story and I'm not sure what else. We tend to skip around a lot while making our points, since we pull from many different avenues. We both have some pretty strong opinions on these things, and tend to bounce ideas off of each other and develop new ways of looking at things that way. Usually I'm the one who gets sent off into "I think I figured something out land", but this time it was Draco.

We started talking about how Lucifer was seduced by pride and how that brought upon his fall and the fall of his house. We had already touched on creation, evolution, the Greek gods and a bunch of things before that. We started talking about how the angels were created without free will, and Draco mentioned how that meant that something else had to be in play here. I pretty much just laughed and told him it was a lover's spat. I've been a believer in the dual God/Goddess since before I could walk. Even as a christian, it made no sense to only have one.

At first (being a typical Scorpio) he started to argue with me about how it couldn't be that. Then I clarified what I meant. That I wasn't talking about God and Lucifer having a relationship. Then it dawned on him what I meant. The man hates it when I have a point.

This is where many will call me all sorts of vile things, but just listen for a moment. The Bible clearly states that "the Earth is your Mother." It also clearly states "we" in Genesis. There is also strong beliefs in both a God and Goddess in most of the belief systems we have on earth.

Now think, for one moment. What is the most reoccurring theme on earth? Remember that there is nothing new under the sun. Man takes woman for mate, does something stupid, woman retaliates. We've even seen it play out with divinity. Every major pantheon has something similar, for example, Zeus and Hera. So for the sake of argument, the God and Goddess have a little tiff. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned remember. And frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the little tiff is about Earth, God darling is rather busy playing with his new toy. So Goddess decides to get even, she's had about enough of his neglect. And here is charming Lucifer, second in command, most powerful angel, very attractive...just perfect for the revenge scheme unfolding in her head. So she charms him, fills his head with nonsense about how HE should be God, he's smarter, better looking blah blah blah. And she has the power to allow him to do this, after all, he has no free will, so the bonds that bind him have to be loosened for him to rebel. And the rest is history, I'm sure you know the story.

And I feel blog #10 coming on...

Why Do You Blog?

Why do you blog? Its a question that circulates around the blogosphere constantly, everyone seeking that one thing that might make them go "aHA!" Its also a question on everyone's mind when they set type to the page. Don't shake your head at me, its there. It takes the guise of "Why am I doing this again?" or many other questions of a similar nature.

So lets get to the good part. Oh, am I being narcissitic again? Kidding. But since you are here reading, why do I blog? I could get into all sorts of stories, stories of trying to be a better person, narcisism (or why I'm just that cool), some voyueristic need, money, I could go on for hours on the many reasons.

And none of them are truly wrong. But the main two points of why I blog are simple. The first one is experimentation. I'm constantly in a state of change and experimentation, and an online blog is perfect for that. Which leads to reason number two: To develop my voice. This is really where the above reasons fit in. Let me explain.

For many years (well, many to a 25 year old) I've been listening to society's dictates. They dictated how I should look, how I should dress, how I reacted in situations, right down to the nitty gritty of who I was. First it was my parents, then my brothers got in on the action. Then finally it was my friends and later my employers. Everyone I came into contact with had certain ideas of who I should be.

At the time, that was okay, because I knew who I was, deep down inside, and I kept that precious "me" locked away where they couldn't touch her.

Well guess what, after so many years of that, she decided that enough was enough and went on vacation. To parts unknown. And let me tell you, that surely left poor 25 year old me floundering. Okay, 21 year old me, but it only really hit home this past year. I managed to mostly ignore it for years.

Have you ever encountered that moment? Where the bottom literally drops out from under you and you wonder what the Hades you are going to grab ahold of?

Yeah, it was kind of like that. But I still have the memory of what I was, once upon a time. I also have the ideal of what I want to be hovering. The two are not at war, though the conditioning I've taken over the years sure doesn't like them. It wants me to stay happily (really unhappily) stuck in this nice little rut it has become accustumed to. It doesn't want me to see the truth, because truth hurts.

The past few years in particular I consider my dark years. From 19-21 being the darkest, yet still dark after that. Now I've hit the murk. I've always been a take charge kind of gal, believing herself fully responsible for the choices and decisions she's made. Not realizing, perhaps because I didn't want to, that many of those choices were taken out of my hands. The gal who always prided herself on her self-control and the control she had over her life...realized that she had given up some vital controls.

How does this apply to my blogging? Quite simple really. It gives me a chance to have that voice, to work out things, to break my conditioning. It helps me gain my control back. I have never been considered the most emotional person (okay, cold hearted is usually used, or at the very least, controlled), nor have I ever been the most open. Alright, so I'm locked down like a fortress! Which was never a problem for me before, still isn't completely. Because I do not believe that everyone should get everything that someone is. But here's the problem that I've run into: when you do run into someone who values and deserves your all, without some practice, that relationship remains far shallower then it should be. Ah, there's the rub. While I still do not believe that every Tom, Dick, and Harry should get everything, there are people in my life that deserve far better then the shallow relationship that I offer. And I am shortchanging myself by only offering them that. How does that show someone that I value them as a person?

Then I wonder why I'm restless, annoyed, and left feeling like there is no depth in my life. Good ole Homer Simpson said it best..."Douh!"

How does a blog help me cultivate those relationships? Easy, by giving me practice on getting myself out there. Not the mask that I wore for so long (though that will come up, I guarendamntee it), but the real me: the intellegent, deep, thoughtful, questioning individual that I am. I am unique, but for many years I feared that uniqueness, as it cut me off from the whole. But now I find that I value it. It might not win me many friends, but the ones I do have love me for it, even though they don't get to see it shine, they know its there. And they deserve to see it, and I deserve better then to hide it and suffocate that which I am.

Still Miserable

I'm still sick, and still unhappy. I don't think I'll be going to work tomorrow either, as the dizziness hasn't left me yet. And being dizzy during an hour commute just isn't pretty. I have no desire to become roadkill, not yet anyway.

All the blogs are complete, well, they're created. Obviously they are rather lacking in content. But that will all change as I progress. I'd have to be crazy to expect all my blogs to have hundreds of posts overnight. Well, I suppose I could do that, but then there wouldn't be much REAL content, now would there? And it would rather defeat the goal.

Frankly I'd rather have blogs without much content then spam blogs. The goal here is to show various sides of myself, not run rampant over a part of cyberspace. There might even be some cool pictures! I am stopping here at creating blogs, I think I have way more then I need currently. I'll decide if I want any more later after I get a feel for each blog.

It Has Not Been My Day

I absolute detest being sick. Especially when I am sick enough that I cannot go to work or get much else done.

Today was one of those days. But it wasn't a total loss, as I spent my time before the spawn got home from school researching various things online. Nothing too exciting, mostly on blogging and writing in general. I'm always looking to improve my skills. It also led to a couple of new blogs, like I needed them. But I will eventually, and at least none of my blogs will be cluttered with nonsense. I still have two more to create. And then I'm done for now, until I get into the habit of touching base on them daily.

Of course, because I am sick, the spawn is going insane. What law dictates that the hell-raising abilities and annoyance factor of a child rise in direct proportion to how crappy the parent feels? I need to find that law, and hope for a loophole. Its just not nice.

Well, I'm off to create two more blogs and brainstorm blogging ideas, wish me luck!

I've Been Published!

I've been published on Associated Content! Check out my new poem and my Halloween safety tips. :) Feel free to leave any comments or feedback you might have.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/331983/raiscara_avalon.html

Stealing, Part Deux

Again, don't do it.

Someone attempted to get away with "mis-scanning" at the self-checks. Again on my watch. She didn't get away with all of it, though its possible that a can of Spam got away. I did not see it in her bags. But I did catch the bagels, mayonnaise and tuna that she thought she could get for free. I understand that the economy is hard and that money is tight, but why continue to make it harder for yourself and others?

Maybe I'm just too honest to understand this rationale. I've made mistakes, we all have, but to do it deliberately? Especially in today's society, where chances are good that you won't even make it out the door with the product. And if you do, your actions are forever immortalized on a security tape somewhere. Is it really worth it to save a couple of bucks?

Seriously, the woman was willing to possibly go to jail for $6 people. Maybe a bit more. What is that going to buy her? Is $6 going to make that much of a difference in her bills? Considering her type of payment, I doubt it.

Could someone please enlighten me?

Restless Tonight

I am feeling so restless, but the sad part is I am not figuring out what is making me so. It could be a whole host of reasons as long as my leg. Unfortunately nothing is really jumping out at me. Its driving me crazy though, as I feel like I should be doing something...but have no idea what that something is. Have you ever had nights like that?

Been journalling a lot lately. In fact, I usually am ignoring everything else in order to get things down on paper. Though not everything, somehow I'm managing to get some housework done! Am I the only person who does this? Gets lost in contemplation so much that the world fades away? I have a lot to figure out about myself, the downside of being a 25 year old I guess. Everyone talks about the teens being rough, but they failed to mention the 20s! I don't know how they missed it frankly.

Been thinking about my blog situation. I have several, and have left a long trail of them behind me. And I think I sort of have a reason for that. I never really give any blog time for me to really figure out what I want to do with it. To develop a voice. And that's a shame really. But I get all caught up in how dull mine sound, or how I've gotten into this trap or that one and poof! Off I go to hope some other blog will do the trick. Basically I get stuck in the "growing pain" phase of each and every blog. So my goal is to stick with the blogs I have. No switching after a couple of months.

I will more then likely be adding a few more, because I think one of my issues is that I get frustrated trying to stick myself in one box. So I think "next time will be different." Ha. I just need to separate myself, since everything is so compartmentalized in my brain. That might help each one to develop its own voice as well, and none of them will get cluttered up by random nonsense...which sends me running each and every time.

My goal is to keep each and every blog for one year.

Yes, that is an accomplishment. I don't think I've ever done that. Nor do I think I have a single blog with more then 100 posts on it...and that was my 360 blog from like 2 or 3 years ago. Yup, rather pathetic isn't it?

My second goal is to write daily. In each one.

There will be crossposts. I can guarentee it. Sometimes I'm just lazy like that. But this way I can do what I set out to do, which was show the world who I am. I hope. I might bore you to tears, but that's that. Enjoy the ride either way, and if I haven't bored you yet, feel free to peek at my other blogs. They're all about my main interests. And maybe some other links.

Restlessness has me random I see.

Stealing

Its a crime. Don't do it.

Unfortunately, many folks believe that they are somehow entitled to their "five finger" discounts. Apparently these same folks also do not understand that their actions are a direct reason why prices are so high. Then they whine that they cannot afford anything, so they seek out the "five finger" discounts again. Round and round we go.

Someone stole today. On my watch. If I had seen the guy in the parking lot, he was going down. I tend to cover the self-checkouts, and this guy thought he was being sneaky by stealing a whopping $33.10. Guess what buddy, your face and actions were on video tape. Do people NOT think that we are going to catch them? Seriously.

With prices the way they are, this is the worst time to steal from anywhere, especially from large chain stores. They will find you and prosecute. And then the rest of us will be paying their lawyer fees in higher prices. With gas prices the way they are, and the economy itself, big stores are more aware then ever. They are also going after even the smallest offense, and trust me, they can pay their lawyer fees.

Yeah, I'm sure it seems like a great idea to stick it to them, but you are only hurting yourself and the people you love.

Confessions From A Blog Addict...

I am a blog addict. I cannot have just one blog that covers everything in my sphere, I must have a blog for each and every one, and a few that are simply for the overflow. If asked if I could keep myself content on a mere one blog, I would have to laugh, and then continue on my way. How do you folks out there do it?

I start to feel confined to one blog, one screen name, one facet...so I have to rebel, break out of the box and start anew somewhere else. Only this time I'm running with the fact that I have many facets. My interests are as varied as the stars, so why cannot my blogs be so?

Of course, that does tend to lead to eventual neglect, even if only temporary. Like my poor Holiday blog, its over there in cyberspace just floating in the wind. I shall have to run over and resurrect it. But not tonight. Some of these blogs are going to take far more brainpower then a little bit of random mental blabber. And I like it that way.

Look for my slightly extreme list of blogs here soon. Or just click on that wonderful Blogger profile to get a brief idea. There's more then what's shown there people.